


Did It Hurt?

by aubrey_writes



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, M/M, Post-Canon, they talk about dave's death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2019-09-30
Packaged: 2020-11-08 13:54:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20836574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aubrey_writes/pseuds/aubrey_writes
Summary: "Did it hurt?"Klaus smirked."What, when I fell from heaven?""No. When you watched me die."





	Did It Hurt?

**Author's Note:**

> i'm posting this instead of the next chapter of the longfic because i want to. thanks for reading!

“Did it hurt?”

Klaus smirked. 

Things were a little strange nowadays. He had spent some time in his childhood body. The world had been fixed. The Umbrella Academy was a family once again. If they ever were one in the first place. Either way, they were a family now. He was living with Diego and Ben. Ben was alive again, and Dave.. Well, they were working on Dave. Klaus could summon him basically any time he wished with less than a thought. It took minimal effort at this point, like it had been with Ben. Except, Dave was physical. He could touch things and be touched. So it was basically like he was alive. Five insisted that this had to be enough. That Dave had to die in order for the apocalypse to be stopped. Klaus was willing to take the chance, but again, they were working on it. 

They were laying on Klaus’ couch (he had a couch now!) together in a comfortable quiet, Klaus’ head in Dave’s lap, when he asked that question. At the sound of Dave’s voice, Klaus rolled onto his back, looking up at his face. It was a strange angle, and he wanted to tease him about it. 

“What, when I fell from heaven?” Klaus replied, voice sultry and low. He couldn’t keep the joking grin off his face, though. It was too cheesy, even for them. 

“No,” Dave said quietly, looking down at him, and Klaus finally saw the haunted look in his eyes, “when you watched me die.” Klaus blinked rapidly, trying to figure out if he had really hear what he had just heard. Then, he laughed at the absurdity of the question. They hadn’t spoken about Dave’s death, ever. Not when he first summoned him, and not in the months since that had happened. The same rules went for Ben, unless it was joking, or they were really angry at each other. There were no such exceptions for Dave. They just didn’t. Talk about it. 

“What the fuck does that mean?” Klaus eventually said, laughing through the question. It was a stupid question. They both knew exactly what he had meant. Dave moved underneath him, and Klaus moved in return, sitting up to stare at him. “We’re talking about this now?” His hands shook in his lap. He didn’t want to look at them. He was afraid they were going to be covered in blood. 

“Yeah, I.. I guess we are,” Dave said quietly, and his posture was defensive. He seemed upset, taught and rigid, a stance that Klaus hardly ever saw him take. It almost made him feel bad for getting so angry so quickly, but also, Dave had broken their cardinal rule. One that was never mentioned, of course, because they didn’t talk about his death. Ever. 

Nervously, Klaus wiped a hand over his mouth, refusing to make eye contact with Dave. He was struggling to cover this up with humor. He was struggling to cover it up with anything. He was struggling. He wasn't good at talking about his feelings on a good day, on an easier subject. This was the furthest thing from an easy subject. He could feel fear closing around his throat. But no, those were just tears, starting to come at just the prospect of talking about this. About.. About...The fact that Dave wanted to know what it was like to watch the love of your life die right in front of your eyes, cradled in your arms, was beyond him. There was no universe in which Klaus would want to subject Dave to that kind of pain. It was laughable. It was infuriating. 

“Klaus,” Dave started, his voice apologetic. Klaus wiped a hand over his face again, glancing over at the man. He was devastated, obviously, but he wasn’t going to let this go. It was important to him, for whatever godforsaken reason. Before Dave could continue, Klaus sighed deeply, melodramatically attempting to compose himself. 

“Yeah, Dave. It did hurt,” he finally said, attempting at a smile, before he stopped even trying. It wasn’t worth it. He didn’t need to put that front on for Dave. He hadn’t needed to since the first week he had met him. “It hurt more than anything has ever hurt me before in my life. Being locked up in a crypt at ten years old? Fuck it. Nothing. Dave I.. I held you in my arms as you bled to death, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.” Klaus’ voice was rough. The more he talked, the worse it got. He could feel his lower lip quivering, and it made him want to scream. Dave shouldn’t have to hear this. He shouldn’t have to know what pain he had gone through. But Klaus could never tell him no. If Dave asked for something, he was going to get it. 

“It wasn’t your fau-” 

“You can say that once you let someone die in your arms,” Klaus huffed, letting out a laugh. This was ridiculous. “Of course it was my fault. You had- you had.. Two weeks left in the field. Two fucking weeks, and I couldn’t keep you alive for them. And I had ten months to get you out of there! Ten months to just grab the briefcase and go and I never did that. Because of what? I was scared? More scared of…” Dave reached out to grab him, but his hand fell through Klaus’. He was losing his focus, caught up in memories instead of the moment. He could sense Dave moving next to him, close enough that he could sense his body up against his. It wasn’t there, but it was. He missed when it really truly was. "More scared of what could happen? What could be worse than that?" 

“Come back to me,” he said gently, and after a brief moment, Klaus took his hand, squeezing down hard. Dave seemed satisfied with that, using his other hand to hold the side of Klaus’ face. He let his head be directed towards Dave, meeting his teary gaze. “You know I wouldn’t have left. You asked me about deserting. It’s not like you didn’t try.” 

“I could’ve forced you.” The look that Dave gave him brought an actual laugh out of him. Not one born of hysteria, but instead knowing that what he said what absurd. His grip on Dave’s hand eased up, and Dave sat back slightly. 

“I can’t believe I’ve been letting you blame yourself for my death for.. For months,” he sighed, bringing a hand up to his mouth and shaking his head, “all because I.. was afraid.” The bloody stain was back on Dave’s shirt. Klaus desperately reached into his memory, pulling up a better image of Dave. He had worked too hard to erase that stain just for it to come back now. When he opened his eyes, it was smaller, but still there. At least there wasn’t blood coming out of his mouth. That memory was much harder to get rid of. 

“It’s not like I really wanted to talk about it either,” he said quietly, and didn’t mention the fact that he would never, ever stop blaming himself for Dave’s death, whether it made sense or not. “And no, I’m not about to ask you if it hurt to die.” 

It was supposed to come off as a joke, but even the thought of it turned Klaus’ insides ice cold. He knew that it hurt to die. He couldn’t imagine how much it hurt to die the way that Dave did. And he just let him. Couldn’t even stop it from happening. 

“I’m sure it didn’t hurt me as much as it hurt you.” Klaus wanted to hit him. 

“I’m sure it felt exactly the same,” Klaus said, his voice a bit sharp, before pulling out a cigarette. He knew that Dave missed smoking. Dave missed a lot of things he had to watch Klaus do. “Like my heart was bleeding out on the ground.” His hands shook as he lit it up. “Had to feel it go out in my hands. Watch it stop in front of me. Sure seems like we had the same experience to me.” Dave could smoke if he wanted to. He had tried to before, when Klaus was really concentrating on trying to make it work. He said that it just didn’t feel the same. Eating and drinking were the same way. Ghost physics were difficult to figure out. Klaus was just grateful for the chance to try. 

“I’m sorry,” Dave said gently, and Klaus wasn’t sure what he was apologizing for. The look that Klaus gave him told him he was wondering that much, but it took a beat for Dave to try to explain. That pause was enough for Klaus to figure it out. 

“You’re apologizing for dying?” Dave was being absurd. Dave was absurd. Dave sighed, ruffling his curls in thought. Klaus resented that he died while he was still in combat. He always wanted to see what it would look like when it was all grown out. Without the memory of it, Klaus couldn’t change the way that he looked. He always said he wished they could find Dave’s old house, maybe dig up some photos. Give him anything to work with so Dave could look the way he wanted to. He deserved a choice. 

“Yeah, I guess I am,” he sighed, and Klaus kicked him. It was solid enough, and when he looked, the blood on his shirt was completely gone. Klaus sighed. 

“Don’t fucking do that,” Klaus snapped, and Dave smiled, though he wouldn’t look over at him, “you don’t have to apologize ever, remember? Especially not for dying.” 

Dave absently rubbed a hand across his chest, and Klaus wanted to kick him again. He did that sometimes. He would be silent for a long time, staring off into the distance. Klaus got the same way when he thought about the war. He would rub his leg, where he had gotten stabbed, and just picture what it felt like when it had happened. Sometimes when Dave did it, he would disappear without saying anything. He was thinking about dying. He couldn’t imagine it would be easy to think about anything but that when you’re dead. It took Ben months to talk about anything but death. Klaus wasn’t going to break his promise about asking Dave about his death. He didn’t think he could take it, and he knew that Dave couldn’t. The fact that he was even asking Klaus about it meant he was mulling. It was never good to ask him about things when he was mulling. 

“Apologize for apologizing,” Klaus demanded, shoving him with his foot again. It made Dave snap out of his own head. Briefly, he just stared at Klaus with that same absent gaze, before a small smile came over his face. That was better. Enough with talking about death. Klaus could tease him for the rest of his life. Dave moved closer to Klaus again, and forced himself into his space. Klaus accepted it. He wrapped his arms around the other man tightly, willing his memories into the feeling of Dave. It felt right, but just a little bit shifted. He wished he could make Five understand that shift. It was the shift that pulled them apart sometimes. It made them remember. Sometimes they could forget. It was easy to forget when you could feel someone, see them clear as day, watch them read and write and sing and laugh and cry. Then you realized that it was so far from okay that you couldn't believe you let yourself think it was alright for so long. 

“I’m so sorry,” Dave whispered, and Klaus knew he was apologizing for the same thing as before, and that he would never be able to get him to stop, “I’m sorry.” And again. And again. 

And Klaus kissed him. He pulled him up from his prayer on his shoulder and kissed him. And again. And again.


End file.
